Dear Edward
by Ruibin Rua
Summary: Sometimes the words of love are expressed through the graze of a hand, or the brush of lips. Sometimes they are spoken through the touch of ink to paper. Deals with the subject of grief and loss, but also the beauty in precious moments.
1. You only say one goodbye

**This Bella crept into my head and my heart tonight, whispering her words until I capitulated to her request to write them down. I think that I should give you a tissue warning for this one, as it deals with the subject of death. However, I want to make it very clear that it has nothing to do with suicide!**

**No copyright infringement is intended. Stephenie Meyer called hers Edward and Bella too, but that's where the similarities between us begin and end.**

_My darling Edward,_

If you are reading this, then I am gone and for that, I am sorry. You know that I fought with every fibre of my being to remain here with you and it is small comfort to me now, as I write this, to think that we will be together again some day. I am not selfish enough to wish for that day to come soon and you must promise me, darling, promise not to wish for that day either.

My Edward, how my body aches with the thought of being parted from you. I remember how careful and patient you were with me in the beginning - do you remember? I was the frightened deer ready to take flight, but you tamed me, showed me your love and drew the most beautiful kaleidoscope of emotions from me, emotions I never knew I could share with another.

My love, I am picturing you here with me now in this bed, and remembering the hours of passion and love and raw, pure feeling we have spent here together. I never knew that life could be like this, and I am loathe to let go without getting more time to truly savour the rich, musky flavours of it all. You drew me out of the shadows into a world of colour and sensation. I will never forget the look of utter devotion in your eyes each and every time you look at me. I know you see the same reflected back at you from my eyes. I think we poured our hearts and souls into one another on the day we met and we've never been separate ever since. Now that I am fading, I want you to know that I am taking a piece of that essence with me to a place where it will bloom eternal.

You always stop me before I can say this to you, so please don't be mad now. Edward, you are too beautiful, too precious, to retire into the night after I am gone. You have a soul that needs to find its twin in order to truly thrive. I was blessed to have you for a time, but you are not an antique destined for the shelf. You have too much to give, my love. I don't want you to close yourself off from the world. Please, love, please continue to shine! You illuminate the dark corners inside of those around you and I know that that light should never be dimmed by pain or sorrow. When the time comes, when you sense your light being refracted back to you from a kindred spirit, know that I give you my blessing. There should be no pain, no guilt; only the joy of becoming whole again. I know that you will carry a piece of us with you, always, and use it to love again.

I love you, Edward. I loved you from the first moment you took my hand to guide me along that busy street and I will go on loving you long after our scent has faded from these sheets. You are within me, Edward, and the love we have borne for one another will never die. I never wanted to be parted from you, but I guess my body had other plans. I'm sorry, Edward, so damn sorry. I've tried so hard, love, fought and cried and fought some more. You know this. But I know now that this can't go on much longer. I can feel the sand trickling from my bones and I think a part of me is already floating somewhere above me, waiting for the hour to pass. I feel as if I'm looking at your beloved face from behind a veil and even your touch feels like whispers across my skin.

I have to say goodbye now, Edward. I ask just one thing more of you. When you've found this and read it, I want you to burn it. You'll want to keep it, to savour my words again and again; I know you, my love. I don't want you to do that this time. There are many more letters of happier times for you to relive when you lose your way. You have never broken a vow to me, Edward Cullen, and I know you will do as I ask this last time.

I love you, Edward. God, how I love you! If love were strong enough to keep me on this earth, ours would surely be such a love. Say goodbye to me now, my Edward. Goodbyes should only be said once in a lifetime.

_Your Bella xxx_


	2. Light and Dust

**A/N I don't envisage any particular timeline to these letters and I'm not sure that I'll be dating them either. I started with the end, because that's how the characters visited me, but I'd like to explore their lives together and focus on the beauty of that instead. I know that you know that I know that no copyright infringement is intended.**

_Dear Edward,_

I lay in a patch of sunlight today and thought of you. I lay on my back watching the dust motes floating lazily past my nose and imagined you were lying there beside me with your head nestled between my breasts - your favourite spot!

I have always loved dust particles; did you know that? When I was a little girl, I used to lie on the floor of my parents' bedroom on sunny Sunday afternoons and try to capture them in a bottle. Trouble was, when I trapped them in the bottle, they didn't shine anymore. That's the amazing thing about specks of dust; they need light to come alive, to look beautiful.

That's how it is with you and me, sweetheart. I was lurking in the corner, finding refuge in the shadows, when you entered that room and shone your light into the farthest reaches of me. I am beautiful because your love makes me so. I'm like those particles of dust, suspended, light as air and gleaming in the warmth of the sun. I can't be captured in a bottle, but the light shines through me now.

_Your Bella xxx_


	3. Notes

**Just a little insight into happy days full of the busyness of ordinary life. No copyright infringement is intended. My words are my own.**

_Dear Edward,_

Please remember to buy the low-fat milk I like when you go to the store later. That full-fat stuff is just blah!

_Bella xxx_

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><p><em>Bella,<em>

Your command of descriptive linguistics never fails to astound me. Low-fat milk in the fridge, as m'lady requested. A little something hidden under the butter dish for you too.

_Your humble servant,_

_Edward_

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><p><em>Mr Cullen,<em>

I hereby name you Sir Edward! :-)

You know me so well - low-fat milk leaves more room for full-fat chocolate! :-)

_Queen Bella, chocolate-lover_

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><p><em>Sir Edward,<em>

Check the cupboard over the sink when you get home.

_Bella xxx_

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><p><em>Darling,<em>

How did you know I was craving cheese and onion Tayto?*

_x_

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><p>Because you always crave them after a week of working nights! Honestly, if your patients knew what you were ingesting!<p>

_Bella xxx_

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><p><em>Bella,<em>

I've laid something out on the bed for you. Taxi ordered for 7pm. Meet me at the Mango Grill.

_x_

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><p><em>Dearest Edward,<em>

I hated leaving you this morning. Last night was…

My amazing linguistic skills fail me. I love you so much!

_Your Bella xxx_

* * *

><p><em>My Bella,<em>

Last night was gut-clenchingly, heart-stoppingly FANTASTIC!

I'm glad I'm the only one who knows the depths of you.

_Edward x_

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><p><em>Edward,<em>

I'm running late, but for the best of reasons as you know. I'll never complain about your early morning shifts if you treat me to a show like that!

I've never wanted to share myself with any but you.

_Bella xxx_

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><p><strong>*For the uninitiated, <em>Tayto<em> refers to a brand of Irish crisps that are enormously popular here. You don't ask for a bag of crisps in Ireland, you ask for a bag of _Tayto. _I'm more partial to the salt & vinegar flavoured ones, myself.**

**A/N: This site wouldn't allow me to change the formatting of this, so I'm sorry if it looks a bit smooshed together. And apologies for all the alerts in your inbox - that's why the formatting was such a struggle!**


	4. Pillow Talk

**I don't plan these chapters, which is perhaps a bit dangerous considering I'm posting them straight here. No copyright infringement is intended. I call them Edward and Bella, but that doesn't mean that they belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

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><p><em>Dear Edward,<em>

It's not even dawn yet, but I can't get back to sleep. I'm looking at your face beside me on the pillow and wondering how I got so lucky.

All day I've been thinking about the night we first met; I was stuck at that awful party and then you walked into the room. I don't think I've ever been speechless in front of a guy before. Melanie was flirting like crazy with you and I was so envious of her! I was sure she'd be going home with you that night, but you just smiled at her and strolled away.

When you sat down beside me and introduced yourself, I thought I was hallucinating. I can't even remember what we talked about, but after about ten minutes I knew that I was falling for you. I'd never loved anyone before, never had a boyfriend, but the rush of feeling through my body, the absolute rightness of being with you in that room - I just knew that what I felt for you was rare. I felt as if the whole world dropped from my shoulders when I was with you. I still feel like that.

You make me feel beautiful and, when you look at me, I don't need a mirror to know that I am worthy. A woman isn't supposed to admit that, is she? I had such weird notions about independence. I was so afraid that, in loving you, I would lose myself. I've always loved how you make me feel strong and capable. Loving you has never felt like a compromise.

You walked me home when the people around us started to get messy. It was dark out and the streets were full of people heading home, or on their way to another party. You took my hand as if it was the most natural thing in the world and I remember gaping up at you in shock. You were the first boy to hold my hand.

You walked me to my door and I was so nervous. I was frightened that you expected more. But then you asked for my number. And my mind was completely blank! Do you remember how you laughed at me while I scrambled in my bag for my phone? You had to take it from me and ring your own cellphone to get my number. I was so embarrassed!

I'll never forget how you cradled my face in your hands and brushed your lips against mine. You were my first kiss and I knew then that I loved you. It wasn't rational, it wasn't cool and sensible, but it felt like the most real thing in my life. I know now that it was the same for you.

You're stirring now; I think my bedside lamp has wakened you. When you find this in your backpack later and read it, you'll remember what happens next.

I love you.

_Bella xxx_


	5. Loneliness

**I'm sorry that it's been so long since I updated. Life has had me tied up in knots and I'm adjusting to some changes right now. Writing is so cathartic to me and I am reminded of that every time I face the possibility of a blank page. I _will_ finish this - we're probably around the halfway point now. I'm sorry to break my dry spell with a slightly grim update, but life is light and shade.**

**These words are mine. Edward and Bella are just names.**

* * *

><p><em>Dear Edward,<em>

My loneliness is like a bruise blooming beneath the surface of my skin. I cover it with make-up and pretty things, hiding the hurt from the world, but each day it grows larger.

I wake up during the night and I am so, so cold. I think of you lying in a bed I have not seen, in a city I do not know. I wonder if you're resting, if your bed is comfortable, if you stretch out your arm in the deep of night to gather me close and encounter the cold pang of an empty space.

I use your shower gel just to remind me of your scent. My fingers glide over my skin and I imagine they are yours. I can't seem to wash the ache away.

I mark each day on the calendar, knowing that each hour passing brings you closer to me. This space, so full of our co-mingled lives, is cavernous without you. My footsteps echo strangely in rooms where we both have tread; I think sometimes that what I'm hearing are your footsteps. This place knows the memory of you and me. Alone, I feel like an intruder.

I fall asleep on the couch when my body is too tired to protest at your absence, only to wake up to a crushing emptiness. For that one moment when sleep still veils my eyes, I think that I see you, hear your voice. Each disappointment brings a fresh wave of pain.

I wake up and I ask: how long more?

_Bella_

_My Edward,_

_I couldn't seal the envelope without adding to this. You asked me to confide in you, to send you the words from my soul, unaltered. I'm doing that, Edward, but I don't want to cause you any further pain. I know that you miss me too, but I also know that you're where you need to be right now. Never forget that I am proud of you. I'm not asking you to choose. I know we will be together again soon. For now, we are both walking parallel roads, never touching, but hopeful for the intersecting paths ahead. x_


	6. Jigsaw

**Please don't let this break your break.**

**The words are mine, painful as they were to write.**

* * *

><p><span>Text message from Edward to Bella:<span>

Bella honey, you forgot your keys again. I'll swing by your office at lunchtime. _x_

Note from Edward:

I don't know what I did to upset you, but I'm sorry. You seem so down lately. Hope this cheers you up. I love you. _E x_

Note from Bella:

_Edward_, I'm sorry. Life has just felt like too much to bear. I'm trying not to take it out on you, but I can't seem to stop myself. You don't have anything to be sorry for. I love you more than I can say. _Bella xxx_

Note from Edward:

I'm taking you out this Friday night. Wear your purple dress and those red shoes that make us both smile. I've booked a table at Taste. Oh, and I love you - even more than those heels! :-)

Text message from Edward to Bella:

Bella, where are you? I'm here at the restaurant and you're not answering my calls. Are you okay?

Text message from Bella to Edward:

Restaurant? I'm at home. I made dinner.

Voicemail left on Bella's phone:

Dammit Bella! You promised my mother you'd help out today and now I've spent the last half-hour on the phone listening to her complain. What the hell? And will you start answering your bloody phone?

Voicemail left on Isabella's phone:

"Isabella, it's Sheryl. I think we need to talk about what happened at work today. Take the weekend and we'll speak on Monday. … We're all really worried about you, Bella."

Email from Bella's mother:

_My dear Bella_,

I debated with myself as to whether to send this. It was lovely to hear your voice today, but Bella, I'm worried. Are things okay between you and Edward?

You can talk to me. You know I love you and, if something has happened, if you need to talk, I'm here.

_Love Mam xxx_

Email from Alice to Bella:

_Bella,_

I don't know what happened today. How could you say those things to me?

We've been friends too long to let this end things. Talk to me.

_Alice xoxo_

Text message from Edward to Bella:

Where are you? I came home to find your stuff all over the floor. No note?

Text message from Edward to Bella:

Bella? Please answer your phone.

Text message from Alice to Bella:

Bella, Edward rang me looking for you. You didn't tell him about our fight? He's freaking out. Call him!

Phone call between Bella and Edward

"Edward, I'm on my way home. I think… I think something's wrong with me."


	7. What we have

**We're nearing the end of this collection of letters now. I know this is grim subject-matter, but I really appreciate those of you who are reading. Bella takes over my brain when I sit down to write a new chapter and she'll tell me when it's time to stop. The words are hers, and mine.**

* * *

><p><em>Dear Edward,<em>

The meeting with the specialist today had a weird sense of inevitability for me. I know you were crushed, that you want to fight, and honey, I'll try, but it's hard to follow a winding path when you can see where the edge veers off a cliff.

You want to take time off work to stay at home with me, but that's just not going to happen. Not yet anyway. I'm still me. I can still tell the difference between a good and a bad script, I can still boss my lazy assistant around and I can definitely still kick-ass at work. I've spoken to Sheryl and she's supportive of me staying on for as long as I can. We've made a pact where I'll tell her when I know I can no longer do my job to the standard I've set for myself, and if I don't notice when I start to suck at it, she's promised to tell me.

I'm still your Bella. I know that I love you with every fibre of my being. I know that you are the only man I have ever loved and the only one I want to come home to. I still want to stay up all night and arrive late at work because I can't resist you in the morning. I still want you to take me against the wall when the bed is just too far away. I don't want you to touch me as if I'm fragile. The firmer your grip, the more aware I am of myself, the more corporeal I feel. I need you to be with me in the here and now. I'm still your wife and I am not your patient. I saw the way you looked at me today, as if I was a body full of arteries and organs and an invading mass of cells, and I hated it!

You are my lover. My husband. My best friend. Please don't stop seeing me for who I am. If I could change the reality of now, I would. If I thought I could spare you this pain that has twisted itself around every part of me, I would. Don't you know that? We've seen four different specialists now, Edward - four. The verdict hasn't changed and I can't watch you cling to a hope that it will.

I hear you stirring in the next room. Any minute now, you'll come padding out with your hair adorably mussed and that lost-boy look in your eyes. And I'm going to make love to you and remind you of us. Of what we have and not what we stand to lose.

_Your Bella xxx_


	8. Sojourn

**I think there are maybe two chapters left. I'm not sure. The words are mine and I'm sorry if they are painful to read.**

* * *

><p><em>The bells are ringing,<em>

_A pleasing, celebratory rhythm;_

_They pluck at my heartstrings,_

_Lift my brow,_

_Soothe my soul._

_I am at peace_

_Amidst all the debris of_

_Coffee-stained mugs,_

_Food encrusted plates,_

_Dog-eared manuscripts_

_And inky pens_

_That leave their traces on my fingertips._

_I lie here, sinking into the mattress,_

_Hair spread like a halo,_

_Sleepy eyes blinking bemusedly,_

_Thinking of everything and nothing,_

_Of days gone by and days yet to come,_

_Of angel-eyed boys_

_And fair-haired princesses,_

_Of your long, pink tongue_

_Languorously licking_

_Your double-chocolate ice-cream cone,_

_As the sun beat down_

_And unearthed the strands of auburn_

_In your dark hair._

_The bells chimed that day too,_

_Glorying in our happiness,_

_Our perfect imperfection._

_I stretch my hand across the great expanse, seeking,_

_And sigh with contentment_

_As my searching fingers_

_Meet their soul mate._

* * *

><p><em>Dearest Edward,<em>

I glory in these sleepy, sunny days. Thank you for bringing me here - I have always wanted to spend time in Italy. You should come back here, you know; your Italian is sinfully good and the Italians aren't immune to your charms either!

I love waking up to you every morning, your tousled head on the pillow beside me, your strong arms around me. I wish that I could keep us here, in this place, in this moment. This time with you is the most beautiful of gifts and I revel in my selfishness at having you all to myself.

We could have made a life here, Edward. Is it weird that I can see that when I should be seeing the end of all things? I saw a little girl running through the town square last week and, for one second, I imagined she was ours. I wish I could have given that to you, but I hope you will still experience it. You are so, so lovely with children; you will be a wonderful father - the one I would have wished for.

I'm sorry, I know my words are bittersweet for you to read right now, but I can't stop doing something that is so intrinsically _us_. We have always shared our souls with one another, the light and the shade, and I don't want to lose that.

I want you to look back on this time and smile. We have loved so thoroughly here, so completely. I feel your imprint in every part of me and yet, I can't get close enough, feel too much.

I adore you, Edward. I adore you.

_Bella xxx_


	9. Pledge

**We're taking a trip back in time from the previous chapter here. Thank you to all of you who are reading - your words of encouragement keep me going. I'd also like to thank two people who left anonymous reviews, so I couldn't PM and thank them directly. Sasha and Rashell - thank you both so much for your reviews!**

**You know the drill by now - no copyright infringement is intended.**

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><p><em>Dear Edward,<em>

In a few minutes, I will walk out of this room and pledge myself to you forever. I gave myself to you long ago, from the first moment you kissed me with your heart on your lips, but today I'm affirming that my love for you will burn beyond my last breath.

I'm trembling with nerves right now and it's hard to hold this pen as it skitters across the page ahead of my thoughts. I'm not afraid of marrying you. I have never been surer of anything in my life. You are the only man I have ever loved and I can't wait to be your wife. Marrying you is like spotting the shoreline after a long voyage.

It's the thought of walking down the aisle in front of everyone else that terrifies me. Thank God I fought your sisters on the height of my heels - I'm already feeling wobbly enough and I haven't even left this room! I know that I just have to get to that altar and then I'll be safe. I'll be with you, and I'm never afraid when I look in your eyes.

It's been a shaky few years to get here, Edward. When you were away, I didn't know if we would make it. I let doubts cloud my heart and most shamefully of all, I doubted you. Thank you for showing me how to love, for proving to me that a love like ours endures.

You took this girl who was afraid of her own shadow and showed her how beautiful she could be. When I looked in the mirror today, it was your warm arms that I imagined encircling me, your lips at my neck, your warm breath at my ear. Already I can feel your fingers at my back, undoing the buttons, tracing my spine. You have lit a fire in me and I am drunk with the sensation.

My brother is waiting at the door for me, nervously adjusting his tie. I think we will be clutching each other on this walk down the aisle!

I'm coming to you, Edward. I'm coming home. And by the time you read this I will be

_Your wife,_

_Bella Cullen_


	10. It takes two to say goodbye

**This is the final chapter and Edward has the floor. Thank you to everyone who has read, reviewed or even lurked. I'm hitting 'complete' on my first piece of fanfiction. As ever, no copyright infringement is intended.**

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><p><em>Bella,<em>

I feel like I've been writing letters to you all my life. Even when you were gone, I'd find myself composing them in my head, telling you about my day, a funny story that I wanted to share with you.

When I lost you, the blank page suddenly became my biggest fear. For a long time, I could only fill it with the bitterest of thoughts, with anger and regret. My first thought every morning was "why?" Why did I lose you? Why weren't we destined to grow old together?

And for a time, I resented you too. Wished I hadn't loved you so much. Wished I had guarded my heart better, because no matter how many times I folded it over, you were still printed on every page.

Now, I'm in a better place. Once I stopped trying to forget, to dull the pain, once I stopped and felt, the love I bore for you worked to heal me. I will forever carry the wound of losing you, Bella, but it has healed over now and I wear that scar like a badge of honour. It's my reminder that for those blissful short years, we were together, we loved one another and we were happy.

I've met someone, Bella, but I suspect you already know that. There are times when I think she was sent by you. She hasn't replaced you in my heart, but I've found that the two of you co-exist in there rather beautifully - you were always a good team player. I love her, Bella. I'm still struggling with the guilt of admitting that. For a long time, I didn't think it was right to love again, but then I heard your voice in my head telling me to cop on and not let such a good woman slip through my fingers.

I'm not sure anyone else would understand this, but I feel that I have your blessing. I think I'll always carry you with me, Bella. It's a warm feeling flowing through my body now and the pain has eased. I know I'll always love you. Clara - that's her name - she knows that too, and I think she understands.

I don't want to hurt her, Bella and while that doesn't mean forgetting you, it does mean moving on. I owe her that. I don't want her to feel that she's in competition with you. Thank you for loving me, for sharing your beautiful soul with me. It wasn't long enough, but I don't regret a minute of it.

So I guess now it's my turn to say goodbye.

Love always,

_Edward_

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><p><strong>AN: I toyed with the idea of putting some kind of time on this letter, such as "five years later", but after careful consideration, I decided not to. There is no timeline for the grieving process, or for falling in love again. Some people will find it happening in a few months, others years and perhaps most tragically of all, some never. This story was never about specific dates in time anyway, it was only ever a brief grazing of one's fingertips along the rich embroidery that is life.**


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